Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.