Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
want me to check your oil?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.