[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Miscakes
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
No, he would not have.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.