My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.