Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
You Might Also Like
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
That’s incredible! 👌
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music