In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”