Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Merry Christmas
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so