I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
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This probably isn’t good
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Catercrombie & Fish
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Do not levitate over flowers