Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months