BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?