Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
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Not today. 😅
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Breaking news:
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?