I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
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The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Cake!!
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.