Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
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Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*