My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
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DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.