The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
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DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you