Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.