i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
the battle rages on
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft