I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Cinematography is my passion
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.