It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
❤️❤️❤️
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea