Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.