Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!