– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”