ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Coffee is ready.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting