Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.