Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
thinking about a very short hotdog