My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.