[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
You Might Also Like
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.