News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
*limbos away from your hug*
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool