me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
the icebreaker
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Welcome