*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
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what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Yup!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard