“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy