Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.