Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
translated into Canadian
Can’t stop laughing
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?