me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
forgive me baja for i have blast
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight