If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are