🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
not for long
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
All set.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.