As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
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My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.