Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
You Might Also Like
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…