JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET