Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
😂😂😂
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆