I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
i need a six-month vacation twice a year