Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.