I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Every work meeting this week
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
(True)
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.