Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button