Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.