[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil