Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
just make the entire table out of coaster
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.