“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
You Might Also Like
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
These are my roll models.
Poetry is my passion
This is painfully accurate 😅
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”