20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink