Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
You Might Also Like
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
yall want some gasoline milk
when mom throws a party…
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
#merica
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.